Showing posts with label spirituality. Show all posts
Showing posts with label spirituality. Show all posts

Monday, July 18, 2011

Chapter II - This Need Not Be

Almost all of experience - good or bad, and most of our suffering was created from our choices, unfortunately most of the those choices were influenced by the EGO.  Your EGO is not something to be taken lightly, it commands your respect, attention and verily your guard, I strongly suggest to take your EGO quite seriously in regards to its ability to wreak havoc and produce much suffering.

Do not fence or play the warrior with your EGO, this is what it wants, you made the EGO, deep down because your its creator you have a love for it, treat it with respect, love and be gentle, any attempt to strong arm your EGO will result in you playing right into its hands.  The best approach is to renounce it. It is more deviant than you and more clever, remember it has inside information on you.

The plan we will development and the techniques we will use, must be done slowly, persistently and with great vigilance, that  is to recognize and renounce the EGO , this seems like an easy enough thing to accomplish, but will take practice, I promise, you will be challenged.

The EGO watches over your thoughts and actions 24/7, it doesn't trust you or love you, its secret wish is your very death, even though this would be its death too, remember the EGO is insane.
It will use whatever it can to have its way with you, its tool chest contains addiction, quilt, shame, fear, memory and much more, the EGO is desperate, it does not understand eternity, but it knows and uses time quite well to its advantage, it also knows its days are numbered, and will do anything to survive.

In this chapter we'll be talking mainly about the EGO, time and other ACIM concepts, but I like to mention something here I found interesting about the course.  I found this perplexing at first, here was a book written to help man find peace within himself, to find joy and happiness by finding himself, yet curiously no mention is made of addiction, a claimed disease that lays millions to untold suffering, a part of our society - drugs and alcohol, that you would think there be at least a whole chapter to this part of man's suffering and the path out of it.  But Christ talks only of the illusion of sickness, the chapter to this is called "The Idols Of Sickness", page 181.  One of the reasons a person gets sick is because they devalue themselves, this is arrogance in the eye's of GOD, how could the son of GOD devalue what he is and what was given him and what was given him was GOD's extension of creation, his son is a co-creator with the father, this is insanity.

Then to add to this he believes in his sickness, when our peace is robbed or even still when it is denied by a son, this added with stress is enough to kill a body. Make no mistake a body in and of itself can not get sick, the mind who dominates over the body makes the body sick, after all is said, this is but an illusion, an illusion backed by belief is real to you, and when another brother confirms your sickness, he makes himself part of the illusion and adds to the belief, when a brother claims sickness never cofirm this with him, you make it real (but not true) to him and yourself.  Hence my opinion as to not to confirm alcoholism in myself or another, nor any drug addiction.  And know this, the Holy Spirit recognizes no order of difficulty in miracles, no levels,no degrees, what does this say, can alcoholism be cured, can an alcoholic drink socially again, there are no limitations to mind or spirit, but think, would you want to drink/drug socially, how would that serve you.

There is no order of difficulty in Miracles, this is repeated most often through out the ACIM, there is a reason for this, think.  The expression "I am my worst enemy" is a wisdom, the expression "We have met the enemy, and the enemy is us" is another profound wisdom that most people misunderstand.  Of course I am refering to the EGO again, since we are examining the EGO so closely here it is worth mentioning the expression "A healthy ego" is a misnomer in the use of the word ego, there is no such thing as a healthy EGO, it has been sick since it was made, the reason is because the EGO was made without love.  Why the EGO was made without love is beyond the scope of this book.

In the following pages we will about talk guilt, fear, pain, shame, acceptance, and forgivness and all the fun stuff people like to discuss, this might be your favorite part?

GUILT

This is the killer of all killers, this has brought suicide upon brothers, this has sent people to institutions, THIS HAS CAUSED PEOPLE TO DRINK AND DRUG, this has caused death many times over, this has caused divorces, bankruptcies, jail time, murder, theft - you name it, but most of all this has kept GOD's son out of the kingdom of heaven by his own choice.  The first guilt of man, the mother of all guilt - that we betrayed the father, and we must be punished for it, and what a job we did, we made the EGO, only a son of GOD could pull off something that sinister.

We all carry some guilt from experiences and episodes in our life, from things we did, said, whatever, some we did when we were younger, at times when we foolish, and when we were under the influence, this guil haunts us, it can go from just a unpleasant memory, to something that makes us twitch or talk to ourselves out loud without knowing it.  This is a fine example where I think the 4th and 5th step of AA is an excellent tool for relinquishing that quilt, there other ways, but this is an excellant one.  Although how many of you that are reading this and are in AA have heard of someone in their 4th step listing their betrayal of GOD.  NOT!

But if I do another 4th step (and I will) I will definitely put it there.  Doing a 4th step is good and there are many other ways to help heal ourselves, but remember we still need to deal with the EGO on this, the EGO has the ability to slip a guilt thought into you mind while your having wonderful sex, right in the middle it wants, or right at that crucial time, jeeze!

The thing is no amount of external action can squelch the EGO, this has to be addresses internally, from and through the mind, from a part that is more powerful than the EGO, Albert Einstein said to find a solution to a problem, you need to go to the next higher level to solve the problem than where the problem was created. And so it is with the EGO, you to access the part of the mind where the Holy Spirit reside, where your awareness resides, where eternity exists, a place the EGO does not even know of!

This place is your real home, before our minds where split, why did we chose the wrong side of the tracks to live, this the choice we had, this is the choice we made( why? again beyond the scope of this book), we made an error, we can correct it, we must, we can start here, we can start now.


FEAR

As debilitating as guilt, and just slightly more acceptable than guilt, some say the root of all evil, maybe.  Fear is one of our greatest challenges, it is the opposite of love, over come fear and you will only know love.  Fear is more acceptable than guilt, guilt sneaks up on you, where fear you may prepare for, there are many way to overcome fear, facing it is the most direct and the the most recommended.  Fear is the wall we build to keep happiness out, this same wall will keep us from accomplishing our dreams.  Sometime we don't when we fear, it is so buried, that were unaware that it is there.

Fear says to truth you are not real, truth does nothing, because it does not have to prove anything.  Our greatest fear is of GOD and love.  It is said there are only to emotions love and fear, and we fear love, almost all other emotions except love come from fear.  Defense is born of fear. worry is born of fear, a panic attack is fear on amphetamines.

Oddly the things we desire most - peace, joy, love, security are the very things we fear most.


PAIN

Pain can be a friend or an enemy, pain is a great teacher, pain is many times misunderstood, the pain we cause ourselves and other is not real unless we believe in it, then we make it real.

Quotes from the Chapter 27 - The Purpose of Pain course material-

It is a loud, obscuring voice whose shrieks would silence what the Holy Spirit says, and keep His words from your awareness. Pain compels attention, drawing it away from Him, and focusing upon itself. Its purpose is the same as pleasure, for they both are means to make the body real.
What shares a common purpose is the same. This is the law of purpose, which unites all those who share in it within itself.
Pleasure and pain are equally unreal, because their purpose (to make the body real) cannot be achieved.
Thus are they means for nothing, for they have a goal without a meaning. And they share the lack of meaning which their purpose has.
Sin shifts from pain to pleasure, and again to pain. For either witness is the same, and carries but one message:


“You are here, within this body, and you can be hurt. You can have pleasure, too, but only at the cost of pain.”

SHAME

Synonymous with guilt, this is another sneaky tool of the EGO, this emotion also is quite unnecessary, one that we made along with the EGO.  Shame and secrecy go hand in hand, they need to be brought out into the light, again this is a fine example that the 12 steps of AA can greatly help, this is a great area in which the 4th and 5th step can do a lot of good for the soul, not everyone needs to do this, many do.

ACCEPTANCE

This is a very important subject within the course and AA, but there is some confusion between the two, as how to use this most loving concept, when the word acceptance is mentioned at a AA meeting, it is assumed to refer to step 1 and surrender (we will cover this next), but acceptance comes into play in many ways, lets bullet a few of them -
  • Acceptance of your inheritance-A son of GOD
  • Acceptance of you extension-Made from GOD with his powers of creation
  • Acceptance of what your made of-love
  • Acceptance of your reality
  • Acceptance of your brother
Acceptance of your inheritance is hard, unbelievable, scary- let me draw analogy on this, pretend that you were born as an adult, you received a high level education while still in the womb, after being born you have a very high intelligence supported by a equally high academic education, you find out your parents are astronomically rich and powerful, this makes you equally rich and powerful, you have to the ability to do and have what you want from the beginning, the one thing you lack is any worldly wisdom, now think...

Would you be capable of making some silly mistake like wanting things that might not be good for you, maybe even overthrowing the King of the Castle.  This is what GOD's son experienced, we made some mistakes, drunk with power you might say, we were lost with what to do with so much, we wanted to create ourselves, then we wanted to create our creator.

Now we need to learn to accept our inheritance with grace.  We were made with love, therefore we should create with love, learn love by teaching love, and while were in these bodies, and in this world, accept what we made, the choices we made, accept responsibility for what we are.

And so so importantly, we need to accept our brothers as our-self

SURRENDER.

Another concept both shared by the ACIM and the philosophy of the Alcoholics Anonymous program, but again with some slight differences, surrender in AA again goes back to step1, surrender ourselves to an addiction we have no power over, but the course says all sickness is an illusion, a wrong belief in the mind with the power of the mind supporting the belief, the body an unknowing but willing participant in this charade.

First remember the first principle of miracles- 1st principle of miracles

There is no order of difficulty in miracles. One is not 'harder' or 'bigger' than another. They are all the same. All expressions of love are maximal.

The only thing you need to surrender to is love and  the holy spirits guidance within yourself.
Simple.

FORGIVENESS

This one act can heal the whole world, you start by forgiving yourself, then your brother, the second you do this with sincerely, with faith, with all your heart, the world would be transported into heaven instantly!

You need to forgive yourself for what you did not do.
You need to forgive your brother for what he did not do.
This is why forgiveness is so easy.

Everything we think we need to forgive is an illusion from the projection of guilt we have placed upon this world.  This world is an illusion we created to comfort our pain and guilt, only love and truth are real, nothing unreal exists.

PAST

Our blindness is due in large to the past, its the dark cloud in which look through when we see our brother, we see others through our past, if we saw another human being for the first time, we would see them so differently, if you could see people without a memory of your past, it would be like seeing anew, you would have no judgements, no preconceived notions, you would not be able to profile anybody in anyway, this would be wonderful, the love would jump out of yourself uninhibited.

It is the past that that makes us opinionated toward others, this needn't be, you can change your mind now, this can be applied to yourself, you have only to decide, these things we need to address if were not going to desire to drink or drug again, its our minds that sick, a sick mind is the cause, drinking/drugging is a symptom, healing your mind is the solution to all your suffering.

FUTURE

Here again is something that takes us out of the moment, out of the NOW, when were not in the present moment, more than likely the EGO has taken control of your mind, the EGO lives in a fantasy world, it makes judgements on the moment at hand and uses this to plan the future that will never come, unless the future comes from the present moment, pain suffering will dominate your life.  This is the EGO's plan.

CLOCK TIME

To be used for practical reasons only.

AWARENESS

The space between the EGO and the part of your mind that hosts the holy spirit, your awareness is the part of your mind that can step back and observe yourself thinking, from here you can watch your EGO sneak up on your mind with its sick thoughts and try to pollute the rest of your mind.

Some quotes from the A Course In Miracles-

P251.4
You would anticipate the future on the basis of your past experience, and plan for it plan for it accordingly.  Yet by doing so you are aligning past and future, and not allowing the miracle, which could intervene between them, to free you to be born again.
P254.5
The miracle enables you to see your brother without his past.
P254.4
Time can release as well imprison.
P254.3
The cloud that obscures GOD's son to you is the past.
P254.3
This darkness is in you.

Try to see your addiction without its past, as if you just started abusing substances, make it new, because all that happend in the past is lost forever because it is but an illusion, the past serves no purpose in the future, it is only a reference for those who wish to keep there addiction in the present and the future, let it go and let GOD.  Remember to not see addiction in others who are part of the fellowship, for what you do not see in others you do not see in yourself and this is important, if you can not see yourself without your addiction, then why would you want to give it up.  Awakening from addiction is always proceeded by the happy dream of freedom, it is important to keep a vision of recovery, the type of vision that has nothing to do with the eyes.

Here is a concept that at first is hard to comprehend, in recovery you wait but for yourself, GOD only sees your un-addicted self, a clean healthy mind, your inability to do this is the wall that seperates you from instant recovery. Recovery is part release from the past, you have been creating your future based on the past for the length of your addiction.  Linking the future with the past is the addicts folly, remember the addictis devoted to his EGO who thinks it is protecting you from the world it created to harm you and hold you prisoner, it does this by numbing your mind with substances, this is insanity.  Another concept is that you believe in your addiction and your inability to overcome it, this will keep you prisoner till death, your future as your past.

This in keeping with the philosophy of AA-

The fastest way to recover is to help another to recover. Remember-

1. What you teach, you learn.
2. What you give, you receive.

The best time to do this is NOW! Don't wait on time, nor on this step or that step, but NOW!
Your greatest fear in recovery is recovery itself, when you fear recovery love and sobriety are your enemies, change this, the Holy Spirit only sees addiction as another dimension to awakening, this means nothing to him, and it should not to you. Know the EGO's answer to guilt attacking your peace is forgetfulness, sleep and death, addiction contains all three.  The fact that the EGO is par-taking in your awakening should tell you the insanity that your up against.  You can not do this alone, you need the guidance of the Holy Spirit, seek it NOW.

REALITY CHECK

Before I continue with the rest of the EGO's favorite tools of torture, lets take a reality check, we have covered a lot of ground, talked of things esoteric, and some pretty fantastic concepts and claims, like were sons of GOD, we have this power of creation, our spiritual bodies are still in heaven, our true minds are a sleep dreaming a nightmare of illusion, this world does not exists, whew!

How can anybody expect to believe this stuff?  This is just too far out.

Lets step back and examine this world of ours, lets pretend were aliens from a different planet, just visiting Earth, were monitoring the air waves - TV, radio, Internet, news etc.

We observe there are approximately 6.5 -7 billion people, 90 to 99% are struggling in some perspective, some say 90% are suffering greatly within dgrees, 5-9% live pretty damn well, 1% seem to control most of the wealth and power over the other 99%, of the 90% who are suffering 20% are suffering slightly, the rest are suffering badly to the unexcuseable almost unforgiveable degree for this highly civilised and highly technological society with a very large population of people who believe in some kind of GOD.

As an alien from a more intellectual and more developed spiritual race, I having a hard time understanding how a planet with enough resources that can presently afford that every individual living presently should be living free from any suffering, that everyone on this planet should be housed, with adequate transportation, health support, lifetime supply of food, and every comfort that could be of desire without effort. That a species would poison the planet they live on, kill the the non threatening animals that make this planet so such a wonderful place to visit, pollute its ocean, insanity.

That something called greed could rule so many by so few and be acceptable is perplexing, If I dreamed of such a thing, morning and the light of day would be the only thing that reassure me that it was just a nightmare, and my gladness that it was just a dream would be enough to brighten my days forever more, but this is the world we live, I ask you which is the more fantastic, the world we live in or the world we should be living in, The world sleeps, while it sleeps it lives and moves unconsciously, we are unconscious, this world is upside down, we kill killers, we jail millions, we fix the unbroken, we judge blindly, we drive through life with our eyes closed, ask yourself what is really the more fantastic, we are hearded and treated like cows and sheeps by our Government, and we want this, we accept this, THINK!.


Saturday, July 16, 2011

Chapter I - If I am Special, everybody's Special

Change is in the air...

First things first, according to the Course, this world, ourselves (our conceptual selves), our bodies, history is an illusion that is not real, anything that is not real (Only the real is created by GOD) does not exist except in our minds.

What does this mean?

We (alcoholics/drug addicts) are not addicted, we do not have addiction histories, what we think we did, we didn't, what we feel guilt over, we shouldn't, we did not hurt ourselves, nor did we hurt anyone else.

Our addiction and our histories are not real...

What does this mean?

We were made in the image of GOD - our spiritual bodies, our spiritual bodies are our true bodies, this is what GOD created, this is who we really are, we made our physical bodies, EGO's, personalities and the world as we know it from our EGO's perception, we did this because we revolted against our father, we wanted to be GOD we wanted to be the creators of ourselves, we wanted to be the creator of GOD, we created GOD in our self  image as man.

Because GOD did not create this world, our physical bodies, our EGO's, they are not real, our spiritual bodies remain in heaven with our father, our real minds rest there too, except we are asleep, we are dreaming of the nightmare that our seperated minds think that we are living in this world, GOD wants us to wake up, and to know who we are and what we are, this can be done while we are still in these bodies, while we are still in this world, this is the awakening, this is the ascension, this is 2012.

Next, I think its important to say here,  this book is not about another system of thought or collection of techniques or a program to replace anything available now to the alcoholic or drug addict, it is a tool to be used alongside programs like Alcoholics Anonymous or Narcotics Anonymous.

The simularities between the philosophies of say Alcoholic Anonymous and A Course in Miracles is what made me so attracted to writing this book, my thought that the two together would make an unstoppable team.  Here are some of the simularities I am talking about -

AA
A moment of clarity: This is something some recovering alcoholics experience (although rare), a moment when it all makes sense to not drink, this can greatly motivate the alcoholic to abstain.

A Course In Miracles
A holy Instant: This is an experience when a student experience a glimpse of awakeness, the veil is lifted, the presence of the Holy Spirit, Christ, a feeling outside of time and space, freedom, when the desire for spirit as the teacher and NOT the world/EGO as teacher.

AA
One day at a time: To live one day at a time and to forget about the past, not worry of the future, to concentrate on not drinking for just 24 hours, don't worry how many days you have sober, don't worry when you finally reach that one year of sobriety.

A Course In Miracles
Live in the NOW, in the moment: The EGO lives in the past to create the future, the EGO is terrified of the present, the EGO lives in pyschological time - past and future, when you live in the present, you truly living life as it was meant to be.

AA
The Twevle Steps: These steps are used to clean house, to renew your mind, not your spirit, only your mind has been damaged, your spirit is untouchable, it can't be harmed, it can't be threatened.  But your mind has been severly damaged.  It as been damaged by fear, quilt, and shame.

A Course In Miracles
The Students WorkBook: There are 365 lessons one for each day of the year, their purpose is to change your mind about your mind, repair the damage done by the EGO, fear, guilt and shame are the perpetrators, through conditioning done within this world orchestated by the EGO your mind has been severly damaged.

Interestingly the course 's lessons stretch over a year, a very important turning point in sobriety for the alcoholic, almost a graduation date for AA, although it is said anyone with 5 years or less in sobriety is still a baby in the program, there are some differences that need to be addressed between AA and ACIM, lets start with step one of AA

1.  We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable

The son of GOD is not powerless over alcohol, that is impossible, illogical and just as insane as the EGO who is the driving force behind this challenge with abusive drinking, GOD's son who's mind is split has sided with the wrong side, the same part of the mind which the EGO rules over, discovered that alcohol is a tool that the EGO can you use to hold capture the mind of GOD's son, it is a tool that the EGO uses, it has convinced the body and uses the body in this regard, even tho the body was created neutral and uncapable of being allergic to anything, it can be used against the mind.

An interesting saying "No one can serve two masters. Either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other" refers to a split mind, either your hear and obey the voice of the EGO or the voice of The Holy Spirit as opposed to serving the self or alcoholism.

As far as one's life being unmanageable, if the voice you follow is insane, what do you think?

Steps 2-3 are inline with the ACIM material.

Step 4 is at the descretion of the user, and does not conflict with the ACIM material.

Step 5 is at the descretion of the user, and does not conflict with the ACIM material.
Note: The son of GOD is of one mind, the sonship is of many bodies.

Step 6 GOD has removed all that is unreal.

Step 7 We did not have to ask, he never recognized the untrue.

Step 8 No harm was ever committed, to ourselves or to any of our brothers, only what is real is true, nothing unreal exists.

Step 9 is at the descretion of the user, and does not conflict with the ACIM material

Step 10 is at the descretion of the user, and does not conflict with the ACIM material
Note: This is also called love.

Step 11 This is repeated through out the course many times.

Step 12 Again this is what the course is all about, a turning from the EGO to be replaced with the voice of the Holy Spirit, this step is as close as to what the course refers to as an "Awakening", this is the purpose of the course, it's objective.

Well that should create a firestorm of controversy with the lion share of Alcoholics Anonymous members, but a son with some sanity of mind will see the simularities between the two philosophies.

Again I must emphasis this book is not about changing anybodies mind toward the AA program, but is suggested as a tool alonside their program.

From this platform of thought, we can proceed, don't get hung on the above unless your willing to study with sincerity and spend a lot time studying.  Let the above be a foundation to what were about to explore.
The area we need to concentrate on is the EGO, which we created, and as we grew into adults from children, we were condition by this world  (which we created), our physical environment, our family/friend and relative environment, our work environment and very importantly the era of television.

All of these environments and what was handed down to us from our parents, this was compounded by being born in the age of television, has created in our minds a world GOD did not create, our minds are split, our real mind/spiritual mind where the holy spirit resides, where GOD's altar resides,  is in what I call silent mode, we have forgotten this part of our mind, it's voice is barley auditable, our EGO who shouts into our ears, is what we hear, this part of our mind is the part that has our attention, our devotion, our belief, our hearts, this is a big problem.

This is probably is the most important concept we will address, I will quote and use concepts from "A Course In Miracles", I will do the same with "The Power Of Now" by Elkhart Tolle and I will be using concepts and techniques from a little know book from Neville Goddard called "The Power Of Awareness" copy righted in 1952.

In the following chapters I will be addressing the EGO in a big way, since it is the EGO who is behind most of the troubles of this world and GOD's son, the other concept I will be addressing is something called pyschological time, this is the time that is most used by the EGO and the addict, if I may create a new term and call it the egoholic, a person like most on this earth tortured on a daliy basis by the EGO but also a person with an addiction challenge.  Most alcoholics are familiar with the slogan "One day at a time", this is so close to what is needed to address the EGO's obsession with the past and future, those ruled by EGO and alcoholism rely on the past to create the future, both are terrified of the present.

Living in the present moment is extremely important to sobriety, the EGO in its determination to live in the past to create the future is a constant chatter in the minds of most addicts, if their not reliving the past,  making changes to what they should have done, their making plans in the future when they hope to be sober, this is insanity at its maximum.  The different forms this takes on is countless, how could anybody stay sober if the chat room in their mind is constantly creating drama's of past mistakes and future possibilities.

A very important thing the addict needs to learn is to embrace the reality before themselves, embrace and live it moment by moment, their EGO's do not have the power to change reality, their spirit does, when they live in the moment through their awareness (we'll talk about this), from this place can they change the reality of their future NOW. The NOW is the closest thing to eternity, when they have mastered this, time moves as fast as they wish or as slow.  I would suggest to stop here and contemplate what was just said...

The fellowship. The AA fellowship is one of the most important aspects of its program, maybe even the most important, this is true with the ACIM, if you were to attend a Metaphysical classroom and ask the students in the room how many were present in the class room at that time, no matter how many students were actually in the class, the answer that would be given is one.  The reason is because there is only one son of GOD (at least before the seperation), after the seperation the son became the sonship, there are many bodies, there is only one mind. Part of awakening and becoming sober permenantly is the recognition of your brother, how you treat your brother is what you teach yourself and him, so what would you learn and what would you have him learn. Think!

There is no tough love, there is only unconditional love, unconditional forgiveness, and unconditional acceptance, you can not correct a brother, you can not punish a brother, you can not change a brother, you can love him, forgive him, accept him, anything else is insanity. Many programs and rehabs try to rehabilitate a addicts perception, the try to rehabilitate his life, they use structure and support, and many well intention devices, except there is one flaw with them all, they're external to the real problem, they try to solve problems from the outside in, which is what the EGO would do, the people who have analyzed, developed these solutions were unaware who it was orchestrating these solutions, making sure they would fail, do they work sometimes - sure, people solve their problems, not solutions, the EGO is the problem, this needs to be solved from the inside out, it needs to be done with love, with guidance from the Holy Spirit, using Christ as a model.



Chapter II - This need not be...

The Miracle Of Alcoholism - Introduction

Thursday, July 14, 2011

The Miracle Of Alcoholism - Introduction

My childhood contains enough trauma and dysfunction to fill a month of Oprah Winfrey shows, that is when the show was still on the air.  From incest, pedophiles to drug and alcohol abuse.  Although I have never thought of myself as dysfunctional, I thought I came from a pretty normal family home structure that had its challenges.

We were poor, but unknowingly, I remember a good childhood, I was not particularly good in school, but I was smart. The seventies was a decade of sex, drugs and rock-n-roll, that is how I lived it, pretty much in that order, there was no moral compass, there was no second thoughts it seem liked the natural thing to do, women were promiscuous as much as men, everybody was having a good time.  I never thought that someday I would have second thoughts of this behavior in the future and if I did I doubt if I would have cared, as I look back now, I can't honestly say "If I knew then what I know now", would I be in this mess?  of course I would, lets not forget there is no luck, there is no choice, what we did was part of a very big plan thought out with an intelligence far greater than anything here on earth, ever in time.

What we go through, the experiences, trials, challenges, friends, lovers, relatives - all this this is meant to get us were we are today, we have always been right were we belong, right on time, without missing a beat.  Destiny, fate? hmmm, I still don't know.  I am what I am today, this is my realty, I am here where I am because that's were I need to be to grow into the human being I need to be right now.

Did it hurt, does it hurt right now, yes, am I am sorry, sometimes.It is what it is, after all that partying, during the seventies my mind started to clear a little, I was working, I was playing bands, I started to grow up, I started to realize realty, the realty my EGO created, I started to see the world through eye's conditioned by the world and my EGO, it was scary, I did not like it, I realized the world took itself very seriously, it had a lot of rules that seemed upside down, unfair and insane, there were people who were poor, because they could not make money, they could not get jobs, there were people who had jobs, they did not make money, at least not much, there were people who made more money because they did something that supposedly had more value, there were people made good money, because what they did had even more value, then there were people who made a shit load of money, because they could.

Who assigned the value to those who made more money, I was very confused by the time I was in my mid twenties about the world, I was losing my ideology, the magic was fading, it was no longer "sex, drugs and rock-n-roll", it was paycheck, bills, material wealth, the more you had the bigger, better and higher you were, I was not high anymore. I was this little guy, insignificant, a nobody, I wanted more, I was depressed, the world had changed, I was left behind.

I was not educated, I was not connected, I was not at the corporate top, I was not in politics, I had no power, I was a nobody - so I thought.  Welcome to the EGO's world!  I have failed, now I wanted money, power, a nice car, a nice home, a wife, kids, security, prestige, comfort, luxury, I wanted power and I wanted to be rich, but I spent most of my life getting sex, drugs and rock-n-roll, I did not know how to get this new stuff.  I was depressed, I drank, I did more drugs, I felt sorry for myself, I was depressed.

By the time I was 28, I was an assistant warehouse manager, I was married, I had a somewhat nice car, a pitiful apartment, a nice drum set and very disillusioned. The wife left, I lost the job, the car was repossessed,  I filed bankruptcy, I sold the drums for alcohol and drug money.

Then someone told me I was an alcoholic? A what? A alcoholic, I had a problem, I had a lot of problems, I was depressed, I was addicted to alcohol, it was chronic - FOREVER!, I could never drink again, holy shit!
How the fuck did this happen?  I was smokin, I was on fire, now all there is left is smoke, when someone said I had a big fuckin problem, that I was a fuck up, I had hurt my life, other people's life, I was fubar - "fucked up beyond all recognition", how did this happen, just a couple years ago it was - sex, drugs and rock-n-roll.
why did this happen to me?

I was told to go Alcoholics Anonymous, what? an alkie, a bum, skidrow, Maxwell street junkie!
your fuckin kiddin me.

So I went to a meeting, nice people, glad I am not one of them!, 12 steps, interesting, everybody should do them.  I don't belong here.

And so that was my first meeting, and there would be thousands of them to follow.  I tried to become an pro AA person, I tried getting my wife involved, no way was that gonna happen, she did not want anything to do with it, it horrified her, I tried to get my family involved, they made some feeble attempts, those attempts disappeared.  I was on my own.

I did not like being labeled, an alcoholic, an outcast, weak, pointed at, I was in a great deal of denial, I did not want to be a alcoholic, there was something deep inside that said this was impossible, I felt I was sentenced to die for the rest of my life, I resisted, I cried, I fought.

A doctor named Elizabeth Kubler Ross wrote a book about dying back in the seventies, that explained quite well what I went through when I was told I was a alcoholic.

The stages -
  • Denial - Obvious
  • Anger - why me?
  • Bargaining - there's gotta be a way out, I am different
  • Depression - self explanatory
  • Acceptance - NEVER!
 And so it goes, I have been in and out (as they say) in the program for 25 years, I have explored other programs, I have researched the disease of alcoholism on line till I was blue in the face, I have tried new treatment drugs, talked countless hours with counselors, psychiatrists psychologists,  sponsors, you name it.

I have been in so many treatment programs, 28 day's, 30 days, hospitals, detox's, salvation army, 12th step house, halfway house, three quarter house, transitional living, sober living communities - so many times I have lost count, so what is wrong with me?

To quote from how it works -

"Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program, usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves. There are such unfortunates. They are not at fault; they seem to have been born that way. They are naturally incapable of grasping and developing a manner of living which demands rigorous honesty. Their chances are less than average."

So is this me?
Am I not honest, how can I not be after all I have been through, all that I have lost, the pain, the despair, the suffering, how can anybody be not honest, how can anybody be of heart who after 25 years of the worst suffering imaginable on earth not be honest with themselves in this matter.

Maybe there is a flaw in the philosophy of AA, as beautifully as it is written,  only the Constitution of the United States has been better written than "how it works" of the AA literature, it is said that GOD speaks through man, ah but man has filters, we've seen what has happened to the bible, oops.

My personal belief is that much of the AA literature needs to be updated to the 21st century world as it is today (yuck!).

So where does this leave us, good question, there is a certain blindness that encapsulates the AA solution, there is assumptions that this is the only game in town, that within AA that "yours is not to question why, but yours is to do or die", yipes!

Any attempt to question the last statement, and you will be bombarded with accusations of denial, don't get this author wrong, AA is a great program, its success rate fluctuates greatly to be very low to somewhat moderate, there is a lot of failure, this is often seen as "He/she is not ready", has not "Bottomed out yet", needs more "research" etc.  Sad.

On a more positive note the people of AA are the most truly spiritual, helpful, loving, caring that I have ever met, I believe their integrity and sincerity is beyond question, what I am starting to realize is the biggest problem of all is the truth of us and this world.

The first question - What are you and who are you - Know thy self!

The second question - who created this world - We did, not GOD


The first answer - You/we are sons of the sonship of GOD - That's right were gods
The second answer - we (our EGO's) created this world without love, in defiance of GOD our father

The two questions and answers are referred to as the "fall of Man"

Chapter One - "If I am special then everybody is special"

2B continued...

Thursday, June 23, 2011

No Bodies Home - A Novel


The year is 1987, California is a beautiful place to be, the coastal cities are cool with great restaurants, night clubs, and at night you can touch the moon.

 It’s darn right magical, but all magic eventually comes to an end, I got into computers, weird, I used to put up the cross when I walked by one,  now I was a production technician on mainframes, I was well versed in metaphysical books by then having read probably 100-150 of them, I continued my interest in metaphysics by visiting stores and shops, looking for events to go to, even a palm reader or two (both fakes), I started to check the personal ads and found someone of interest, a girl who was interested in the weird stuff too, by then I was buying crystals and new age tapes, meditating.

She introduced me to some events that were of interest, special retreats, group readings.  I thought this was fun and just another past time that many other people found interesting, as time went by 1988, 1989, I advanced in my computer skills, had a few sexual encounters, the same job in 2 years, it kinda started when I received a call from brother, sounding a little loaded, we exchanged pleasantries and then something very dark and sad came over me and I started to cry while we were talking, since I was in the office I hid my emotions the best I could, my brother was unaware what I was going through, but I knew and said to my self this fuckers dying.

 At the time I didn’t know but I was headed back to Chicago.  About a month, sure as shit I was on Greyhound headed for Chicago, when I got there I moved in with my sister Cani Ann, that didn’t last too long because I got a job and found my own place.  I started school at night while I worked, I decided I needed a piece of paper to back up my new skills.

Things were going good, I graduated, I was working in Schaumburg and living in a nice apartment, my brother soon died, and I did not take this too well, he was very special  to me, I felt abandon in a way, my best advocate gone, the person who was on my side, no matter what.  I lost my job and apartment 2 years later, and started to have time filled with confusion and uncertainty, I felt scared, lost.

 When I finally found work something was missing, I was learning new technologies, but I no longer felt anchored.  I wondered about the monster, I first realized I was in a fight for my life with the monster back in 1984, I was aghast, first divorce, quiting my job, selling my drums, now this, it was too much.  I know the monster whom I call T.RX is part of my day to day struggles but there is something else?

 I have faced big challenges before but not with T.RX on my back, and still there something else going on.  My social life tanked after my divorce, it seems every potential I met would turn out to be a loser, I kept thinking, I keep meeting women who are me before the change, and I thought so this is Karma  huh, but I thought I changed, I am no-longer the trophy hunter, I am the new Michael.


When the year 1995 came I rekindled an old friendship from the 70′s, a musician who I regarded with respect and admiration, we soon became current buddies again and I even worked for him during the summer setting up his stages, it was fun work and after the summer of working you really were in great shape, the other thing was because he was still playing guitar in bands I started playing drums again, at first it was obvious that I was really rusty and would tire easily, but I got bettor, but then life happened, I had been working as a consultant making a good paycheck and saving money, when the contract ended, I decided to move to Phoenix, and it turned out like California, I struggled for the first few month’s but then got another consulting gig that lasted two years, those two years I lived well, had many good experiences and some bad, so I invited my Mom to live with me in 1996, it lasted awhile but not too long and we parted, then things got bad and I found myself homeless, then Mom got terminally sick and moved back to Chicago to die, she moved in with my sister Marge, I in the mean time was doing bettor, fighting T.RX, living in a commune type situation and was feeling good, then life took over and I got a call from Marge, she needed help with Mom, I got on a plane and the next thing I know I am back in Chicago.

After Mom’s death I got a job working downtown and a nice place in Oak Park, IL, still fighting T.RX, I was happy again, except for one thing, Mom was my last crusader, now I was really alone.    The year was 1999 after Mom’s death everything changed, I knew if I got into trouble no one was there to help me, my sisters were to caught up in their own lives.  And trouble found me, time after time, nothing too bad but T.RX was on a rampage, I tried many cures, followed advice from many people, did the right thing, did the wrong thing, prayed, meditated, read more metaphysical books, self help books, then I came upon a certain book called “A Course In Miracles”, this book was astounding, I have never read anything that made so much logical sense unfortunately I was too embattled with T.RX to give it the proper attention, deja vue would bring it back into my life later.  After more adventures I found myself back into my friend JP’s life again, I was playing again, working for JP again and even living with him, this started a new set of adventures that even got tricky at times, confusing, and T.RX was loving it.

This was a challenging time for me, JP was like a brother to me, but at times you would think he was my personal Satan, our lives together were very good and then very bad, the one thing that was very good, my drumming skills were surpassing the level when I quit 16 years ago, I was amazed, something I discovered when I was 16 years old was how I could learn through my subconscious, when JP and his band would practice I would watch TV or work on the computer, but what was happening was I was learning his songs, one day he asked me to practice with him and we went through all of his current songs he was playing with his band and I knew them bettor than his current band drummer, this not only surprised him, it surprised me, I thought how could this be, it was then that I think that under my own mind I knew something was up, I couldn’t put my finger on it, but somethings not right here.

The year was 2007, I got a new job programming again making OK money, but T.RX was still controlling a part of the story, I moved out of JP’s, never to return again, we had our fill of each other and things would never be the same, bye JP.  I started reading “A Course in Miracles” again and doing the lessons, this book was consuming me, I knew that it had the answers I was looking for, but like other things the answers were easy but hard, the ACIM reminded of a certain Organization I belonged to.  The book literally took me on a emotional roller coaster ride like I have never been on before.  I lost the book, I threw it away, I found it, I hated it, I loved it, I thought what is going on with me?, am I going crazy ?, that’s it I am loony, T.RX has won.  The year is 2009, I have so many ups and downs, I can’t tell bottom from top, I started working from home back in Oct, 2008, I got a nice place in Chicago next to an old friend and T.RX is hot for me! He wants me bad, my EGO wants me worse, I swear the two mother fuckers are working together, my EGO and T.RX , I am fucked, I am FUBAR, fuck up beyond all recognition, I go on a road trip to Arizona in March of 2009 to visit relatives and what an experience that turns out to be, I did get to see my cousins and Unc, but I soon realized I was related to another monster, she knows T.RX too, talk about meeting your spiritual challenges, so as the year approaches summer, I am back too my old homeless self, my destiny, I think, I hope not, I am still true to my friend ACIM, but now I am reading Metaphysical books again and surfing the net and finding stuff that is incredible – 2012.

2012 and everything I have read about it, associated, and somethings not associated with it, I also learn about the “Law of One” series, as I take and compute in my mind all this information, things start forming in my head, explanations, T.RX is not alone, something else is happening, I AM NOT GOING CRAZY!

Then it happened, I met K, wow I was blown away buy the circumstances, the odds, I have not seen this person since 1969, I have not talked intimately with a women in so many years I can’t even remember.  K changed my life, 180 degrees, 360 degrees, 720 degrees, 1440 degrees, GOD what are you doing to me!  Remember I am your friend, your son, your follower, a believer, a worshipper, a prayer, a meditator, I asked fucking Jesus Christ into my life, why are you fucking with me.  K has been my savior, friend, banker, lover, texting teacher.  Now as I go through life I notice other peoples behavior, newspaper articles, TV news, weather, catastrophes from around the world, for crist sake we have a Afro-American President, how can anybody tell me that something ain’t going on here that makes no sense to a three dimensional world.  I am now a total believer we are asleep, we are dreaming, this is not real.

Nothing Real can be threatened
Nothing Unreal exists
herein lies the peace of GOD

There will be those who are aware, there will those who are not.


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To be continue...